Team Scotland announced this morning that Dr. Douglas Brown, a notable St. Andrews cosmetic surgeon, has been called up to play for his country in Quaich 2012. Douglas is affectionately known as "Slicer" because of his deft use of the scapel and his horrific left to right ball flight off the tee. The inside word is that Slicer will be playing off a 16 handicap in Palm Beach Gardens.
"I look forward to contributing in any way to a Scottish victory in June," said Slicer from his home in St. Andrews. "And I am excited about visiting the Palm Beach area which is a Mecca of sorts in my profession with all it's artificial beauty, rub-on tans and trophy wife third marriges."
"We're delighted to welcome Slicer to the team," said Scottish Vice-Captain, Ian MacCallum. "I hear he may offer a friends and family discount should any of Team America wish to enhance the rack of their spouse or mistress by separate negotiation." This comment is ironic coming from the Big Man, who hasn't seemed to age much since the Quaich began over ten years ago. He says its exercise and good living. Some of us call it Botox.
Since he won't exactly match up well against Fabric in one-on-one golf competiton, Slicer plans to take the American star off his game by consulting with him on the liposuction of his flanks and a tummy tuck. "I've only seen Bret on Fox News," said Slicer, "but can tell he needs some tightening of his nasolabial folds."
It's on! Welcome to the Quaich, Slicer!
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